President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

The web was such a vital part of my life. It was like an oracle, a book that never ran out of pages, and a window into a million different rooms all at once.

If we want know the meaning of existence, we must open a book: over there, in the darkest chapter, there’s a sentence written especially for us.

Young people don't really study the facts; they watch the skewed MSNBC and get a primarily liberal education.

Oh call it by some better name, For friendship sounds too cold.

If you, my fellow copywriters or art directors, want to win the award, devote your genius to making the cash register ring.

Supposing truth is a woman -- what then?

Lord Bath used to say of women, who are apt to say that they will follow their own judgment, that they could not follow a worse guide.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

In silence and movement you can show the reflection of people.

You have to love, without judgment, every actor that you're working with to make beauty.