Dylan Moran Quotes

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss.

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme.

I was lucky in the sense that I was never blessed with an overly reflective nature.

I'm just trying to understand what's around me as much as anyone else is, really. To draw a bead on a moving target.

I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.

Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.

I'll work for whoever wants to hire me. Even the jewelry channel.

I do not walk around imaging myself to be intimidating or smart.

All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive

‎What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild!

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!"

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.

I'm just a guy who happens to work in public from time to time. I've built a reputation as an established comic, not as a celebrity - a celebrity is someone who is famous but doesn't do anything.

I don't want to do panel games or adverts. I really like challenges. I always get roles as an art teacher or a photographer. In the future I want to play something like a mugger/assassin/pastry chef.

I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom.

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.

I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and unloading a load of cash into my front yard.

I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

I do pauses, pauses work for me

Idioms are a big thing in Ireland. They want to fill the time, to show how good they are at talk - it's a talk-off

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised yeah, it's a similar feeling, sure.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

You look like a horse in a man costume

You exaggerate your own reactions.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing - what do I know?

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.

I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well.

Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

When did you ever hear of a child not in need? 'Oh that's enough jam tart for me, I'll just go now and clean the toilets.'

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now

I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it.

Do your own thing. Speak in your voice.

Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.

I actually very rarely see comedy myself, and although I admire the work of some comics, it does come from all over, so I’ll get a charge out of some fiction writers and poets.