I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

Be slow of tongue and quick of eye.

I dreamed of you every night. It felt so real. And when I'd wake up the next morning, it was like your disappearance was fresh. Like you'd left me all over again.

The post office actually achieves its mission. I wish we could say the same of the CIA.

There are some who speak one moment before they think

When I was in school, there was no such thing as girls athletics.

I think I've always been drawn to the notion of talk as cinematic.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

I'm going to publicly challenge the biggest names in religion to repent and give back the money they've ripped off from the poor.

There's one thing I'm really good at, and that's hitting the ball over a net, in a box. I'm excellent.

I thought, 'OK, I'm done here. I'll take responsibility and go away.' Little did I know I was going to be going away limping because someone cut my legs out from under me.