Doug Stanhope Quotes

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.