Dennis Miller Quotes

Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.

But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi.

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?

Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.

Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that."

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I rant, therefore I am.