Dennis Miller Quotes

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don't refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery - an involuntary response.

Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in.

I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.

I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.

The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.

Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.

I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?

So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.

Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.

I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.

I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.

That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!