Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

I expect to think that I would rather be author of your book [The Origin of Species] than of any other on Nat. Hist. Science.[Letter to Charles Darwin 12 Dec 1859]

I was actually lost in Beirut on the way home.

You can go to any small town in America, there's going to be a metal fan there. You can't say that about post-rock.

I make a bad mom, but I can pull off a crazy aunt.

If it be usual to be strongly impressed by things that are scarce, why are we so little impressed by virtue?

Religion becomes a matter of belief, and belief acts as a limitation on the mind; and the mind then is never free.

Don't be distracted by doubters.

A crisis unmasks everyone.

Today is just another normal day full of miracles, gifts, and opportunities.

Where else could one find such a perfect combination of American values -- racism, militarism, capitalism -- all packaged in one 'ideal' symbol, a woman.