Dennis Miller Quotes

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.

That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.

Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"

That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.