Daniel Tosh Quotes

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.