Dana Gould Quotes

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.