If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Scoring well on tests is the sort of happy thing that gets the school district the greenbacks they crave. Understanding and appreciating the material are secondary.

You pray and nothing happens. You pray and nothing happens.You pray and nothing happens.You pray

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.

It's not a date. We're just agreeing to eat at the same table.

Prosperity is the blessing of the Old Testament; adversity is the blessing of the New.

I'm very happy when I have time to just be.

Though wisdom is common, yet the many live as if they had a wisdom of their own.

Time is a seedfield; in youth we sow it with causes; in after life we reap the harvest of effects.

Who fears not to do ill fears the name, And free from conscience, is a slave to fame.

I'm always too fat. And I always look terrible. But I love the theater of the red carpet.