Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

The wise man looks at death with honesty, dignity and calm, recognizing that the tragedy it brings is inherent in the great gift of life.

I'm very practical and realistic.

... Why, it would really be being unselfish to go away and be happy for a little, because we would come back so much nicer.

Who would venture upon the journey of life, if compelled to begin it at the end?

History belongs above all to the man...who needs models, teachers, comforters and cannot find them among his contemporaries.

I am about to die. It is September 11, and every cell in my body is acutely aware of my looming demise. The certainty of it. The inevitability. Not years from now, not weeks nor days. Moments.

You're literally being an actor - you're pretending - and that's not what I like to do.

I think people have the capacity to be many different things and many seemingly contradictory behaviors.

By an image we hold on to our lost treasures, but it is the wrenching loss that forms the image, composes, binds the bouquet.

Sometimes this world comes between us and what we love. But if we are patient, when this world passes away, there will be no more separation.