Whenever I call a company and get put on hold, I never really feel like I'm being held.

What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3

He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.

It's called 'reading'. It's how people install new software into their brains.

Honey, when you say we can't communicate... what exactly do you mean?

be my sonata, my cantata, my lovesing me something sweetbut not too sweet(or i may grow deaf to our harmonyas we decrescendo into silence)

I am commanding you, as an older and wiser brother, to get over here, get on this caterpillar, and ride to the top of this mushroom with me.

You never know what people have endured to get where they are.

And one battle looks much like another when you survey the corpses after.

I am not going to spend any time whatsoever in attacking the Foreign Secretary. If we complain about the tune, there is no reason to attack the monkey when the organ grinder is present.

You have to draft a catcher, because if you don't have one, the pitch will roll all the way back to the screen.

The envious are more likely to be mollified by seeing others deprived of some advantage than by gaining it for themselves. It is not what they lack that chiefly troubles them, but what others have.

I'm a scorer, not a triple-double player

It's good to listen to electronic music when you're stressed out because you will feel a release afterwards.

Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.