Vote: The only commodity that is peddleable without a license.

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never regret anything that made you smile.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I wanted to go to him to save me, but he was the one who broke me this time.

The cheese board is my big treat at Christmas that I have to deny myself during the rest of year.

Ironclads and Maxim guns must be the ultimate arbiters of metaphysical truth.

Of all the fools that pride can boast, A Coxcomb claims distinction most.

I am not an Internet superstar. I am, ironically perhaps, the most old media superstar of all time. My fame is due to broadcast television.

Indecision, doubt and fear. The members of this unholy trio are closely related; where one is found, the other two are close at hand.

I've never bashed a union in my life.

Humid seal of soft affections, Tend'rest pledge of future bliss, Dearest tie of young connections, Love's first snow-drop, virgin kiss.

You have no need to travel anywhere - journey within yourself. Enter a mine of rubies and bathe in the splendor of your own light.

When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: "I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like."