Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

There is a weird power in a spoken word.

Only in stillness does the imperceivable become discernible

Everything is about them, not the dying boys and girls in the arena.

Specialized meaninglessness has come to be regarded, in certain circles, as a kind of hallmark of true science.

What is meant by believing in Christ but just going with trusting and loving hearts, and committing to His love and power ourselves, our souls, and all that concerns us for time and eternity?

You want to know who's now running the U.S. Army, the U.S. Navy and the Marines and calling the shots where it counts? Fundamentalist Muslims and homosexual activists.

When we are eager to be shy and humble about our accomplishments, we lose confidence in our abilities.

Sometimes it takes looking at the past to really be able to move forward and learn from it.

I'm the band leader. That's not to say that the other people are my minions - they all put in a tremendous amount of personality, and push the music in ways I would never expect.

If you are an ignorant man, you are acting wisely; but if you have had any education, you are behaving like a fool.