Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Sanctum, a holy or sacred place. What could be more sacred than possessing the power of your own true thoughts? Sanctum. It is both lock and key.

Don't let the Sun go down on you today. Be the light instead, that shines forth and touches everyone's shadow, awakening them to that light.

I have had a dream indicating rather clearly that I am on the way to being hetero, though I don't accept it with much enthusiasm either awake or in the dreams.

For my diet, I choose mostly organic. But in general, I am a big believer in trying to strike a balance with everything.

I have only one passion, the love of liberty and human dignity.

Memnoch the Devil happen to be my favorite of all The Vampire Chronicles.

All the drugs in the world cannot adjust a subluxated vertebrae

If you were a warrior, you would know that the worst thing one can do is confront human beings directly.

If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment.

I'm an independent, straight in the middle. I've donated to candidates that I thought would be good that are Republican and Democrats alike.