Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Each of us get to choose the movie of our life. Not only that, but we're the main character, the director, and the producer. We get to choose how we want it to be.From the Soul of Uncertainty

Sometimes is not in the battle field where truth and courage only shows. You can win in any place with the help of your courage.

A true friend let’s you know that the door is always open, even when it’s closed.

American business has just forgotten the importance of selling.

Somebody did complain to me and tell me that my clothes were so loud they couldn't hear me sing.

Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs.

When you chop wood, splinters fly

Have the courage to do something which deserves transportation if you want to be somebody.

Satan tried to put Jesus Christ on the way to becoming King of the world and Savior of men in a way other than that predetermined by God.

The wise man seeks little joys, knowing that life is long and that his quota of great joys is distinctly limited.