Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

I simply like guns because you can't shoot people without them.

I wasn't used to children and they were getting on my nerves. Worse, it appeared that I was a child, too. I hadn't known that before; I thought I was just short.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

If we define a misanthrope as 'someone who does not suffer fools and likes to see fools suffer,' we have described a person with something to look forward to.

The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side

On the sixth day god created man, on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

Suicide is an act of man and not of the animal.

God begins to paint the clouds in the eastern sky when the mountains butterflies come flying home

It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own.

The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him.

I started practicing Yoga at about 18. I had a friend who was doing it and was incredibly disciplined and meditated all the time.

Knowledge makes one laugh, but wealth makes one dance.

A certain type of perfection can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect.

Yet you would not drive a car with your mouth unless you are my mother-in-law.