This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Education makes your maths better, not necessarily your manners.

When things don't change, their sameness becomes an accretion. That is why all society puts on flesh. Succumbs to the cubicles and begins to fill them.

You said the words, and they altered the universe. By merely speaking you could create damage and pain, cause tears to fall, drive people away, make yourself feel better, make your life worse.

When the bell rings, and lunch is over, I decide to come back here tomorrow, and the next day. I tell myself it really isn’t that bad.

Character is doing what you don't want to do but know you should do.

The only time I even entertain the tiniest element of religion is for Christmas carols.

This is the most joyful day that ever I saw in my pilgrimage on earth.

Let us understand Darwinism so we can walk in the opposite direction when it comes to setting up society.

The universal truth is beyond question-the only people who excel are those who have decided to do so.

What human beings seek to learn from nature is how to use it to dominate wholly both it and human beings. Nothing else counts.