There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

Aku nggak membencimu. Aku hanya benci karena ternyata begitu sulit melupakanmu.

Do you like reading? It's the best thing that can happen to you in life. Writing has other implications.

Too many decisions are made based on satisfying ego.

When life knocks you to your knees and it will why get up! If it knocks you to your knees again as it will well isn't that the best position from which to pray?

In seasons of pestilence, some of us will have a secret attraction to the disease--a terrible passing inclination to die of it.

England's always expecting. No wonder they call her the Mother Country

The only thing I can't stand is discomfort.

For fifty years now, we have tried big government. Yet too many people remain trapped in despair. Now, we must try a new way.

So you treat your love like a firefly, like it only gets to shine for a little while. Catch it in a mason jar, with holes in the top, and run like hell to show it off.

I'm thankful for all of my opportunities. But I'm not trying to have a career where I am hanging on one of Dr. Drew's rehab shows. I can go home.