The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Our bags will be light because it's the best way to travel.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I will never look at you in the same way ever again. I'll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway.

Change the way you speak about yourself and you can change your life.

We have a system that was devised by racists to create racist ends.

So study your rock history, son. That be the Bible of the Blues.

Greatness, thou gaudy torment of out souls, The wise man's fetter, and the rage of fools.

But it takes a lot of money to live freely by the sea.

I think a woman should be wholesome, voluptuous and sizzling!

For a writer, obsession is a good substitute for self-discipline.