The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

That's why the firm foundation of every land must be morality untarnished which, if destroyed, Rome will fall and founder.

My grandparents, like many genocide survivors, took most of their stories to their graves.

Through the lens of spirituality, we see all the commandments of God as invitations to blessings.

Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.

The people, they are the ones with the real answers.

I think I was really bored at school. I was quietly clock watching for years. I went to 10 schools because my dad was in the Army and we moved around a lot.

I'm probably not going to play a junkie and that's OK because there are other people who will do it better.

I write down everything I eat and count the calories so I don't go over a certain amount. Everyone should do this if they are dieting or not. I think we all would be shocked by it.

Waiting periods are only a step. Registration is only a step. The prohibition of private firearms is the goal.

To Englishmen, life is a topic, not an activity.