Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

I'd love to do comedy. And I think I have a pretty good sense of comic thing, so I'd really like to try that.

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

Men become much more attractive when they start looking older. But it doesn't do much for women, though we do have an advantage: make-up.

I went further on less talent than anyone, but I was a damned good entertainer.

I suppose if you've never bitten your nails, there isn't any way to explain the habit. It's not enjoyable, really, but there is a certain satisfaction - pride in a job well done.

Indians were here first - it's about time. We're way behind the African Americans and Hispanic Americans in getting politically involved, but we're beginning to take a page out of their notebook.

I've seen enough killing in my life. I know how precious human life is and I don't need a lecture from you.

That's the thing about life; everything feels so permanent, but you can disappear in an instant.

But in my life, in my personality, there is an essence of falseness and insincerity. A thin, fine vapor of fraud hangs always over me and dampens and injures some things in me that I value.

We must take the profit out of war.