Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

With faith, we can walk through the fair un-harmed.

Whom the heart of man shuts out Sometimes the heart of God takes in.

Because all the monsters have been let out of their cages tonight, no matter what court they belong to. So I may roam wherever I wish until the dawn.

Most times you don't write the song, the song writes you.

You can go in there and change it, but so can other people.

Never blog just to put something out there. I would post only things that excite me.

The effects of good music are not just because it's new; on the contrary music strikes us more the more familiar we are with it.

The movies television and music we used to produce created an image of America that the world envied... now the millions around the world call us the Great Satan - and with good cause.

Beauty is a form of genius -- is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation.