Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Truth is the first casualty of war.

Know how to choose. Most things in life depend on it. You need good taste and an upright judgement

All object printed: Love me. Look me. Million speaking objects,begging. Crown American consumer with power of king, to rescue choose and give home or abandon here for expire.

I turn bullish at the instant my buy stop is hit, and stay bullish until my sell stop is hit.

As you meditate, you'll develop a sense of humor so that you can laugh at yourself, which you need to do in this world.

The mere fact of knowing that a great audience waits on your labor is enough to shake all your nerves to pieces.

An insect is more complex than a star..and is a far greater challenge to understand.

I've got tooth marks on my heart.

The best compensation for doing things is the ability to do more.

Even my aunt Joan, hopelessly sentimental about every member of our family, admitted that I was hideous.