People used to live lives of quiet desperation - now they go on talk shows!

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it.

Money talks — but credit has an echo.

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

When you come into the world you have nothing... when you leave you have nothing... and in between there's the IRS.

I believe in facing reality. But only because I don't like turning my back on it.

I like to get to work early. Before my brain knows what I'm up to.

The Senate being tied is a start. Now, if only it could be gagged.

It's not that Good doesn't triumph over Evil, it's that the point spread is too small.

A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest.

Muscle is good, but craft is better

All your life should be seen and measured in the light of eternity.

I was striving to be the most muscular man, and it got me into the movies. It got me everything that I have.

I would feel real trapped in this life if I didn't know I could commit suicide at any time.

There are so many people in the world, and I want to know them all but I don’t even know my next-door neighbor’s name.

When I heard, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, I thought, Did he fall or was he pushed?

One curious thing about growing up is that you don't only move forward in time; you move backwards as well, as pieces of your parents' and grandparents' lives come to you.

If you believe in God, work with Him. If you do not, become one.

I could play ball all day. That's all I want to do.

Do you struggle with confusion? Not knowing which way to go? Here's why: We turn to means (help of creation, our own mind) before turning to God.