People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

The belly is the giver of genius.

The song and the drumming were like this: Behold, a sacred voice is calling you; All over the sky a sacred voice is calling.

I really enjoy writing novels. Its like the ocean. You can just build a boat and take off.

I talk too much because I have been made so miserable by what you are keeping hushed.

I don't know how people recognize me.

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

We must not reduce the bosom of the universal church to a nest protecting our mediocrity.

Prayer is God's answer to our poverty, not a power we exercise to obtain an answer.

There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs