People always think I hate doing interviews. I don't. I wouldn't do them if I didn't like them.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Merlin’s beard.

You can’t ignore our body. It’s the body that houses your healthy mind and a pious soul.

Preoccupied with a single leaf you won't see the tree.

Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport.

"Criminal justice" was a term she found more apt than it was meant to be.

The roots of our Soccer Tribe lie deep in our primeval past.

I am not alone. Whatever else there was or is, writing is with me.

The three most important aspects of debugging and real estate are the same: Location, Location, and Location.

I'm in favor of any technology that makes my work available to the reading public at a reasonable price.

But who shall parcel out His intellect by geometric rules, Split like a province into round and square?