My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

It's your destiny to be here, Dana.""Oh really. How nice. Is it Brandon's destiny to be here too?""Yep.

We must arm ourselves with patience and wisdom and listen to the poor what they want. This is the best way to avoid the trap of ignorance, ideology and inertia on our side.

You can’t help who you are, but you can change who you want to be.

The only way to care for the disadvantaged - is to disadvantage yourself -which is guaranteed to turn out for your advantage.

True friendship is an unconditional, unselfish, reciprocal service not by lips, but heart to never let its in-built trust to ever fall apart.

Shoulda gone to China. They give away babies like free iPods. They put them in guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

Here it comes. My inevitable death, ignoring me all those years when I wished for it daily, arriving only after I've decided I want to live forever.

Seek always for the best words and the happiest expression you can find.

Things move very slowly in politics. We seem to fight the same wars over and over again.

Men are generally idle, and ready to satisfy themselves, and intimidate the industry of others, by calling that impossible which is only difficult.