My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.

There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

The worst thing you can do is nothing.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon -- he'd run them all.

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant ‘idiot.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

You never knew about people, like you never knew how deep a pond was because all you saw was the top.

It is in the perfect union of two hearts that complete and total marriage consists.

Americans may have no identity, but they do have wonderful teeth.

I am not a visionary. I'm an engineer. I'm happy with the people who are wandering around looking at the stars but I am looking at the ground and I want to fix the pothole before I fall in.

I have a pretty eclectic taste in the movies that I like to watch, and also in the movies that I'm inspired to work on.

Acting is something I've done since I was six years old, performing for my mum and my family in the living room, and I do it because my heart's in it.

Loving you is just like breathing, as effortless, and as lovely.

The 'expert' is the man who stays put.

It's about ladies, as usual. I'm telling the ladies I got the right temperature to keep them warm.

I think the biggest misconception about me probably is ... I don't prey on the weak. I ain't a bully, but I ain't no saint, either.

I am really the most controversial artist in the world.