Mr. Burns comes out and flips cigar ashes on his shoes, and makes up about 90 percent of what you hear.

My family comes first. Maybe that's what makes me different from other guys.

You're either sexy or you're not. I'm very self-conscious about my physiognomy.

Memories are like moonbeams; we do with them what we want.

I'm more married to Sandy now than when we were married with the legal document. We're still married as parents.

It isn't true that you live only once. You only die once. You live lots of times if you know how.

Any fool knows that bravado is always a cover-up for insecurity. That's the truth. And on that note, I'll say goodnight. God love you.

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

There is nothing wrong with being afraid - but there is nothing more wrong than allowing that to be your master.

I've got a dream lover, so I don't have to dream alone.

I'm a singer who moves like a dancer.

The thing that gave me the most pain in life, psychologically, and it gave me tremendous pain psychologically, is man's disrespect for nature.

Fix your eyes on Jesus; it's ok to stare.

Very few worries can stand against the influence of a good long walk ... How many petty annoyances have I thus walked away!

We know that Saddam Hussein is determined to keep his weapons of mass destruction, is determined to make more.

I found, especially with stand-up, that if a premise works, you can make the joke work. If a premise doesn't work, you can't force it to.

This isn't about 'causality' but about 'influence'. The evidence is clear that human-induced climate change is influencing the drought, no matter the cause.

I believe strongly in an author's moral responsibility. But his first obligation is to write good books.

Heaven is laying in my sweet baby's arms, hell is when my baby's not here.

Among my friends love is a payment. It is an old debt for a borrowing foolishly spent.

We must all face the fact that our leaders are certifiably insane or worse