Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Don’t just be a church goer, find God

We must always have old memories and young hopes.

You just have to find that thing that's special about you that distinguishes you from all the others, and through true talent, hard work, and passion, anything can happen.

A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

Truly living required risk.

It's lose, lose for the taxpayer

Most of my videos consist of fragments, one or two minutes long. They are haikus or sketches. I have thousands.

I’m not going anywhere with you, you little shoemaker,” I said (Rachel to Trent)

A smart terminal is not a smartass terminal, but rather a terminal you can educate.

We are the short of people that make health insurance popular.