Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

The actual theme of corruption can condemn humanity and this conflict can be resolved when people are diligent to put an end to this catastrophe as a community."

When gossip starts, be deaf.

Often we will learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.

Laurel could not see her face but only the back of her neck, the most vulnerable part of anybody, and she thought: Is there any sleeping person you can be entirely sure you have not misjudged?

Virtue consists, not in abstaining from vice, but in not desiring it.

Why does everybody have to be with somebody? It’s a stupid delusion and a really pathetic way of thinking.

Don't reason in the mind just obey in the spirit.

My experience with horses is that they never throw away a chance to go lame.

Astrology is astronomy brought down to Earth and applied toward the affairs of men.

Hunting and gathering are in my blood. But I've lived long enough to witness a diminution in the seas, and to notice a fragility where once I saw - or assumed - an endless bounty.