I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

I said "Somebody should do something about that." Then I realized I am somebody.

The family exists for many reasons, but its most basic function may be to draw together after a member dies.

They shall arrive in a murmurAnd shall disappear into fog and earth

External nature is only internal nature writ large.

I didn't want to be the typical teen idol. I didn't want to be Leif Garrett. I didn't want to be Shaun Cassidy, David Cassidy or Parker Stevenson. I wanted to do my own thing.

Whenever we propose a solution to a problem, we ought to try as hard as we can to overthrow our solution, rather than defend it.

Ideals are not something I can control. It's not logic that convinces me of something, it's what my heart says. My heart has a way of involving me in things, which can only be good for the music.

At the core, we're all spiritual beings.

Ninety percent of most magic merely consists of knowing one extra fact.

I don't believe in waiting for great feelings. I need to wire myself for positivity and gratitude. I need to build a highway to those.