Kids today know way more than you think they do, with the Internet and 500 TV channels.

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have.

You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious.

When I was little, there were three channels.

If I do the same act that I did in 1995, in essence you're saying (in a robotic voice), 'My mind has never changed'

Americans are artisans in freedom.

She did not think it was true that women fell in love all at once, but rather, that they fell in love through repitition, just the way someone became brave.

We fail to open the right doors because we fail to pick the right keys!

Old Age homes are civilization's dumpsites for human beings who it cannot exploit further.

It is wrong to become absorbed in the divine law to such a degree as not to perceive human law. Death belongs to God alone. By what right do men touch that unknown thing?

Don't waste time thinking about what could have been when you could be thinking about what could be.

Long live the new flesh.

Governmental subsidy systems promote inefficiency in production and efficiency in coercion and subservience, while penalizing efficiency in production and inefficiency in predation.

I am mystified. I know only one person who voted for Nixon.

A lot of times, we censor ourselves before the censor even gets there.