It's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

Stop thinking that racism is fun until a racist person get under your skin, that's when you'll know racism is not fun.

If there was an elephant in the supermarket, she'd either not see it at all, or call it Mrs Jones and talk about fishcakes.

I’m wondering how long I have to deal with this bullshit before I can brief my troops. Oh, and I gotta feed my goldfish. Let’s get this straight, Blondie—”“Blondie?”“That’s an insult, not a pet name.

If we were logical the future would be bleak indeed. But we are more than logical. We are human beings and we have faith and we have hope.

My reasons for becoming a chef are somewhat of a cliche. I always loved to eat but it was watching my parents cook that really served as the impetus for my career choice.

I recently had my problems on the run, but now they've re-grouped, and are making another attack.

The self is our life's goal, for it is the completest expression of that fateful combination we call individuality.

Let the straight-limbed laugh at the club-footed, the white skinned at the blackamoor.

I know there's bands that might write something that sounds like The Smiths, and they'll go, 'Oh, it sounds like The Smiths, we've got to make it sound not like The Smiths.'

Living for ever would be like marrying yourself, with no possibility of a divorce.