It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

Without God, right and wrong are just personal beliefs. Personal opinions. I think shoplifting is okay, you don’t.

Whoever challenges freaks should noticethat in the method he does not mature into a beast.

It doesn't matter if you come from the inner city. People who fail in life are people who find lots of excuses. It's never too late for a person to recognize that they have potential in themselves.

A ship, an isle, a sickle moon With few but with how splendid stars The mirrors of the sea are strewn Between their silver bars!

And that's when I snapped up my left hand and smashed him in the face with the hammer I'd grabbed.

I have always had a need for attention but didn't plan to be a comic.

the material world and the flesh are only temporary - there are no sins of the flesh, spirit is everything!

We've got blue light, we've got all this light flooding our bedrooms and things blinking, and you can't get a decent night's sleep.

I have seen water availability change drastically in my own lifetime. Around the world, millions of people are already living in a true water crisis.

You don't race cars, you race the rule book