It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

The only thing your life teaches you is how to live your life. And that’s only if you’re very lucky. And you listen very hard.

If I say I will protect you, I will."~Alexi de Warenne to Elysse O'Neill

I'm afraid it will never be perfect again. I am indelibly stained. Forever redefined, but blurred around the edges.

The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world.

If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff?

O fools, awake! The rites ye sacred hold Are but a cheat contrived by men of old Who lusted after wealth and gained their lust And died in baseness-and their law is dust.

Organizing free and fair elections is more important than the result itself

I just really, really, really hate to lose. Really.

All of us are like locks. No matter how strong the bolt, there’s always a key out there that opens it.

Each nation has a main current in life; in India it is religion. Make it strong and the waters on either side must move along with it.