If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

A mother is an irreplaceable gift that God has given every mankind. Your (a child's) duty is to honour, adore, respect and serve her. Your blessings are tied in how honour she felt.

Weeping for the dead's a waste of breath -they're lucky, they can't die again.

I am disgrac'd impeach'd and baffled here - Pierc'd to the soul with slander's venom'd spear.

If someone is feeling out of sorts or detached it's a great time to bring them in and restate why we are here and what we are trying to do.

The calendar is intolerable to all wisdom, the horror of all astronomy, and a laughing stock from a mathematician's point of view.

America's best days are yet to come.

Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear.

Be blind. Be stupid. Be British. Be careful.