People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

The best things in life aren't things.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

Skiing is the best way in the world to waste time.

Like water spilt upon the ground--alas, Our little lives flow swiftly on and pass; Yet may they bring rich harvests and green grass!

It's a real wrenching thing to go from being a private person to being a public person, especially when you're being autobiographical.

Any politician who is not a unifier is not somebody that I want to be for.

I would love to play the President. Give me the suit, give me the power, give me the oval office. That would be really fun.

I do not fault anyone else who makes choices to play characters that they wished they hadn't... Because at the end of the day, none of us are happy with our jobs all the time.

Basketball is a sport that involves the subtle interweaving of players at full speed to the point where they are thinking and moving as one.

Short answers seem like you don't care even if you are trying to answer. I get the same flack for my short texting.

Remember that nothing will supply the want of prudence, and that negligence and irregularity long continued will make knowledge useless, wit ridiculous, and genius contemptible.