If you let the image of the messenger get in the way of whatever message there may be, however large or small, that's your problem, not his.

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself.

I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

K is for "Kenghis Khan"; He was a very nice person. History has no record of him. There is a moral in that, somewhere.

In these days of widespread illiteracy, functional illiteracy... anything that keeps people stupid is a felony.

The world is turning into a cesspool of imbeciles.

You must never be afraid to go there.

They minute people fall in love they become liars.

Posing the question: does the god of love use underarm deodorant, vaginal spray and fluoride toothpaste?

Psi and/or magical powers, if real, are nearly useless.

And of course, there is always the F for failure. F for failing falling festering failure. F for fault. F for forgotten.

Life guarantees a chance-not a fair shake.

Let's sink another drink, cause it will give me time to think.

We'll fill our lives with what we cultivate the most. Plant grace by the acre.

I'm not a hero or a superstar. I'm an everyday guy. I feel happy when children approach me. I feel that something good is happening in life when little kids recognise me.

So instead of beating myself up for being fat, I think it's a miracle that I laugh every day and walk through my life with pride, because our culture is unrelenting when it comes to large people.

I will tell you, running for President, the money I spent is peanuts compared to the money I won't make. And that's O.K. because this is so important. What I'm doing is so important.

None can hold fortune still and make it last.

What fun is life without a bit of showing off?