If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises.

Catholic extremism should be resisted as fiercely at home as we oppose the Taliban abroad.

If God wanted teenagers to be abstinent, puberty would begin at twenty.

Life is nasty, brutish, and short. Death is easy.

Nothing sells tombstones like a Girl Scout in uniform.

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

The boss is never your friend, even if you're sleeping with him.

Never make enemies of anyone younger or healthier than you are. They write your history.

Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date.

Even a poor tour guide is entitled to some happiness.

This is how most stories end in the hospital. Not with crash carts and sirens and electric shocks to the chest, but with an empty room, a crisp white bed, silence.

Much later, Alice would wonder what might have happened if she had gone to bed when she was supposed to.

Nothing makes a man better than to forgive his faults.

I know history. There are many names in historybut none of them are ours.

You’re not supposed to be in a relationship because it’s comfortable, it’s supposed to be because they make you a better person.

Last will never be more important than commitment. Commitment stacks the odds of a successful relationship in my favor.

Given all that lies beyond mycontrol, I obsess about the few things I can control

For death and life, in ceaseless strife, Beat wild on this world's shore, And all our calm is in that balm— Not lost but gone before.

Absolute honesty is as absurd an abstraction as an absolute temperature or an absolute value.

Stop saying "right" to me. I'm starting to feel hostile.

I like driving. I'm a real sucker for driving across North America - I never get sick of it, ever.