If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

those who have loved are those that have found God

Doesn’t it feel great when someone does something nice for you? Especially when you’re not expecting it? The irony is that they are getting as much joy by giving as you are by receiving.

Play with your ideals and laugh at the limitations of your mundane life.

I sit there thinking about how much courage it takes to live an ordinary life.

You used to have to beg and be the busboy to do standup. I got on Community because people saw my videos on YouTube, which were free.

That is NOT the arse of a £7million player!

I loved sinking my head into Cary Grant's chest.

Marriage is the only actual bondage known to our law. There remain no legal slaves, except the mistress of every house.

I think music is a very personal thing and it doesn't necessarily have to be experienced one way or another, but the album experience is a completely different thing than the single experience.

This very Rome that we behold deserves our love ...: the only common and universal city.