If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to someone else's ignorance".

Death is pleasure when Heaven is sure

There's lots of opportunities out there in life, but if you never put yourself out on a limb and take chances you'll never dare to be great at anything.

I grew up in a community of theatre, and I always loved musicals. From a young age, the first present I ever wanted was a video camera. For me it was a great outlet to be creative.

When you can’t change the direction of the wind — adjust your sails

It is in disputes as in armies, where the weaker side sets up false lights, and makes a great noise, to make the enemy believe them more numerous and strong than they really are.

It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

The human heart will never wrinkle

Great talent has always a little madness mixed up with it.

All writers are discontent. That's because they're aware of a potential and believe they're not reaching it.