If a caddie can help you, you don't know how to play golf.

A good one iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife.

Always keep in mind that if God didn't want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn't come three to a sleeve.

I am among those who firmly believe that a round of golf should not take more than three and a half hours, four at most. Anything longer than that is not a round of golf, it's life in Albania.

The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting, just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow.

Laughter is the only thing that'll cut trouble down to a size where you can talk to it.

Only two things can stop Tiger — injury or a bad marriage.

Regardless of what the tour pros think, golf is a rich and varied game, and what all of us awkward fools do on weekends is what golf is truly all about.

Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drivers.

Lonnie says it doesn't take long to write a song if you're stricken with a severe case of the Tennysons. He wasn't necessarily talking about a chart-climber.

Every golfer has at least 14 enemies: his clubs.

If I want to be up for an Academy Award, I'm either going to have to play a tour de force of some kind or have a tracheotomy just before the nominations.

When five up express, as is polite, regret at laying a stymie, but rejoice in your heart.

A people’s art is the genesis of their freedom.

And I've never taken up a sport just because it was a social fad.

Death is the only monastery; the tomb is the only cell, and the grave that adjoins the convent is the bitterest mock of its futility.

The first guy who lays a finger on this blind old man is fined fifty bucks!

I think I wanna do some action stuff down the road. I wanna kill some aliens. Something real fun, you know? Just a big, fun movie.

I think its natural if youre doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure out the real version of the joke.

I think of stress as the creator of cancer and heart attacks, like a tiny little ball you feed. I believe that one of the reasons I've never got ill is that I'm not stressed.

Do not let other people decide what you are to be. Be what you feel you want to be.