If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The only way to avoid age discrimination in Hollywood is to die young.

I think the greatest imagination we can exercise is one that imagines how someone else feels. Because you know how you feel, but so often we attribute our own feelings on to someone else.

Today's audience knows more about what's on television than what's in life.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not the legs that go first; it's remembering the word for legs.

I write what I write and I honestly don't care if it gets on or not. I'm writing to see if I can find out some of what I think about any number of situations. I work it out in the writing.

We may be born equal but we're not equally talented.

Most jokes state a bitter truth.

Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.

Without imagination, writing is a stack of lumber, a sack of nails, and a locked tool shed.

Something that's seldom appreciated about me is that I am in sympathy with a great deal of what Marx wrote, except that I'm on the side of the bourgeoisie.

And every dew-drop paints a bow.

When we do the best we can, we never know what miracles await.

The man who gives me employment, which I must have or suffer, that man is my master, let me call him what I will.

Making mistakes is the privilege of the active. It is always the mediocre people who are negative, who spend their time proving that they were not wrong.

Those who follow the part of themselves which is great are great men; those who follow the part which is little are little men.

As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

Faith? Haven't any. I'm not a nihilist or a relativist. I don't believe in anything but change. I'm a Heraclitean - you can't step in the same river twice.

Things said or done long years ago Or things I did not do or say But thought that I might say or do, Weigh me down, and not a day But something is recalled, My conscience or my vanity appalled.