I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

The nicest thing about coming of age is that I can do whatever I like.

Be a sinner and sin strongly, but more strongly have faith and rejoice in Christ.

I'm not sure what I was good at as a kid. I was good at playing with Legos.

We have a name for things that don't copy themselves: dead.

Why make plans? The sun might well go out tomorrow.

Clean water, the essence of life and a birthright for everyone, must become available to all people now.

Trauma reflected upon in tranquility can produce morally stunning insights - literary light! It can also produce maudlin rubbish.

Whatever opposes prayer opposes the whole work of ministry.

It is very significant that some of the most thoughtful and cultured men are partisans of a pure vegetable diet

I believe that anarchists should agree to disagree but not to fight with each other.