I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

There are as many forms of happiness as sorrow, though most prove fleeting.

Microsoft is not about greed. It's about innovation and fairness.

I decided to write short stories because they got rejected quicker.

I know there isn't anything I can do that will please everybody. But if I have done according to my beliefs, I sleep very very well.

It may be true that love is blind, but only for what is ugly: its sight is keen enough for what is beautiful.

I should like to know who has been carried off, except poor dear me - I have been more ravished myself than anybody since the Trojan war.

A good quotation is a very strong wind; it can change a man's direction!

Military tribunals to lock people up the way Lincoln did.

Don't diss me, Danvers. I'm warning you.""I'm not dissing you," Claire sighed. "I'm ignoring you. There's a difference. Dissing you implies I think you're actually important

Man can be literally transformed by his own repentance and by God's gift of forgiveness.