I want to be able to make people laugh as hard as they possibly can, and I really think they need that.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids... her uterus fell out!

When you jerk off, you're saying "Hey", I care about me.

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

Little Boy Blue... he needed the money!

I always just loved women, but more important than loving women, more important than sexual stuff, is I always believed in romance.

I've been getting in trouble my whole life and I really don't care what anybody thinks of what I do on stage as a comic.

I'll always push myself because that's the journey of life. We do go through things. Some of it's incredibly great and some of it's really bad.

Even as a stage performer, I have my garb which is leather jackets and black jeans to make me feel a certain way. The wardrobe is really important to feeling the character you're playing.

I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.

If Lady Gaga didn't put on all those outfits, she probably wouldn't have made it in show business. She put a show behind her voice.

Reality is not what we see, reality is what we think we see.

If you are reading this... I'm dead so far probably or still alive who knows?It's bad day in bad time, I can tell this for sure!

No place worth knowing yields itself at sight, and those the least inviting on first view may leave the most haunting pictures upon the walls of memory.

[On Richard M. Nixon:] Americans began with a president who couldn't tell a lie and now they have one who can't tell the truth.

My father pulled into Pearl Harbor four days after the bombing, and he said, everything was still burning. He said they never told the public how bad it was. It was really bad.

Do you realize that all great literature is all about what a bummer it is to be a human being? Isn't it such a relief to have somebody say that?

If you let the reality of the business side get to you, it can turn you, and that's not good at all.

Go slowly, breathe and smile.

If you have a juggernaut, you can make change. I'm all for that. If we could force people to always be connected when you play the game, and then have that be acceptable, awesome.

If I catch them, I will kill them.