I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

There would be no obstacles to overcome. We won’t fight for joy in heaven. But we are not there yet.

he citizens must begin to work to clean the city and country of any dirt.

Our Father Who Art in Heaven gathered more meaning for me as my own father joined the Maker when I was still in school.

Faced with crisis the man of character falls back on himself.

And at some point I would like to talk my publisher into doing an anthology of my poetry alongside some teen readers' poetry. It would be fun, and really wonderful to get their stuff out there.

What makes a great golf course is continuity and variety: right-to-left holes, left-to-right holes.

No one gets teased for being a geek anymore- science is the new rock n roll

Individuality is very important for a full human life.

The girl I am now, this girl-she survived. I just needed a little help getting here.

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.